Does this sound familiar? You pick up your child from school, it seems like they had a good day, the teacher has said everything was fine, you get home, and you give them something to eat and suddenly they lose the plot. Yelling and screaming at you because it was the wrong snack. One minute the world is all roses and you feel like a great parent, the next moment you are the brunt of a vicious attack that leaves you in shock and questioning all your life decisions.
There are many reasons why they save up their anger outbursts for you after school and here are some of the most common that I see with neurodivergent kids and what to do about it.
- A day at school comes with so much overstimulation, taking in what teachers say, who are they sitting next to, “behaving” in a way that is expected. Then add on the sensory aspect, what their uniform feels like on their skin, are they acutely aware of their shoes and socks, the lights, the noise of the fan, the noises outside, the teacher’s overwhelming perfume, the desk being too close to the window. It’s all so much for them to “deal” with that when they get home, it only takes the tiniest thing to unravel all the “holding it together”. They simply can’t take on any more into their overloaded system and it all comes pouring out.
- You are their safe space. School is not a safe place to fall apart. Neurospicy kids are especially sensitive to the feelings of those around them and the underlying energy and may well be aware that having those big emotional outbursts at school will create a feeling of shame and rejection from teachers and peers which means they bottle it up instead. When they get home, they are safe again, and all the bottled-up emotions of the day can come tumbling out without fear of being shamed in front of the whole class.
- They might not be able to control it. Depending on the age of your child, they go through many developmental changes in their brain, throughout childhood, which means they simply may not have the capacity to hold back their emotions. They don’t yet have a fully functioning “adulting” part of the brain to be able to think through their emotions and thoughts.
Often the reason they have anger outbursts after school is a combination of these reasons, (and often more), and here are some strategies to help you manage the moment easier.
- Remember it is not about you, and it’s not about the snack, your child doesn’t hate you even if they yell it, they are just at the mercy of their emotions often from the above reasons.
- Avoid responding with comments like “don’t get upset” or “what’s wrong” because this invalidates their feelings and can create a sense of worthlessness in them. Also avoid punishing them or taking away their screen time for something that is out of their control.
- Ask yourself “what else could this behaviour mean?”. Asking yourself this helps your brain to avoid going to those fearful futures where you fear the worst for your child’s future, it also helps you to stay confident that you are still a good parent, even if your child acts this way, and that you are not a failure, because they can’t help it because if the reasons above.
Now I know that these tips don’t give you a single strategy to stop the outbursts in their tracks, but starting with changing how you feel about their behaviour is crucial for any other strategy to work.
The solution to managing these challenging outbursts by equipping yourself and your child with the skills and strategies to process emotions safely and gaining deeper understanding of what the behaviours mean.
When I work with families I give your child strategies to use while they are at school to help them process their feelings as they go, so they don’t need to have huge outburst at home, and skills for you both to use together at home that empower you to speak confidently about emotions in your home and how to process them.
Follow me at https://www.facebook.com/novarosecoaching
Or email me at nova@novarose.co if you need support with this.